Match Game Monster Rancher
by Richard Ryley
Summary: Parody of the 70's game show Match Game, with the monsters as celebrities.


  
FADE IN: A square-shaped sign, with rows of lights around the edges, is situated with one edge facing the viewer. The sign begins to rotate, revealing the "stars" on each of its faces.  
  
Johnny Olsen: (voiceover) Get ready to match the stars! Moo...  
  
Moo (the original, "Holly's Father" Moo) glares at the camera.  
  
Johnny Olsen: Pixie...  
  
Pixie looks coyly at the camera and winks.  
  
Johnny Olsen: Hare...  
  
Hare holds up a card on which is written "I'm with Stupid." Arrows are drawn all over it pointing in all directions.  
  
Johnny Olsen: Mocchi...  
  
Mocchi bounces up and down and says "Mocchi, Mocchi", although we can't hear him.  
  
Johnny Olsen: Tiger...  
  
Tiger holds up a card which says "Shut up, Hare!!!"  
  
Johnny Olsen: And Golem...  
  
Golem smiles and waves at the camera.  
  
Johnny Olsen: ... as we play the star-studded, big money, Match Game Monster Rancher!!!  
  
Match Game theme song begins playing.  
  
Johnny Olsen: And now, here's the star of Match Game, Gene Rayburn!!!  
  
Set panel opens to reveal Gene Rayburn, who walks onto the stage. He mugs for the camera for a few moments, then says hello to the crew and Johnny Olsen. Finally he walks over to the celebrities.  
  
Gene: (genially) Welcome, stars. And how are we today?  
  
Moo: (darkly) I will destroy you all.  
  
Pixie: (leans over and pats Moo on the shoulder) Don't mind him, he's always like that.  
  
Moo glares at Pixie, while Gene walks over to the other side of the set. Sitting behind a pair of desks on a revolving platform are two contestants. The one closest to Gene is a young boy with brown hair, wearing a baseball cap. He is grinning excitedly, and seems only barely able to contain himself. The other contestant is a yellow, pudgy mouse-rabbit thing with red spots on its cheeks.  
  
Gene: Last time, our current champion, Genki, had just won $5600...  
  
Genki: Yep, that's me, I'm the Monster Champ!  
  
Gene: We were just about to bring out our new challenger, Pikachu. Pikachu, tell us something about yourself.  
  
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!  
  
Gene: (mugs for audience) O... kay... Anything else?  
  
Pikachu: Pika-CHU!!!  
  
Gene: I can tell this is going to be a short round. (Audience laughs) And we'll get right to it, right after this.  
  
Camera pulls back as we FADE OUT.  
  
[commertial break]  
  
FADE IN: Gene feigns being startled, and the audience laughs.   
  
Gene: We're back!  
  
Gene presses the button on the console next to the desks, revealing the two questions "A" or "B" the contestants can choose from.  
  
Gene: All right, Pikachu, since you're the challenger, you can choose "A" or "B".   
  
Pikachu: Pika!  
  
Gene: What?   
  
Pikachu: Pika! Pika! (Waves at B)  
  
Gene: We've never had this problem before... I think he means B, though... (he walks off to one side of the stage to consult with the judges, then comes back and picks up B)  
  
Gene: Okay, here's your question: "Millie the Mint said, I think my trainer is mad at me. Last night at the tournament, he told me to throw Lightning Bolt, but I threw blank!"  
  
Gene walks over to the celebrities to see how they are doing. He reads the question again for Pixie, and then one more time for Mocchi and Golem. Hare and Tiger write answers down right away, but Golem takes a considerable amount of time to decide. Finally, though, he scribbles something his card, and puts in in the slot behind his light, which comes on. All the celebrities' lights are now on, and Gene walks back to Pikachu.  
  
Gene: (reading to Pikachu) "Millie the Mint said, I think my trainer is mad at me. Last night at the tournament, he told me to throw Lightning Bolt, but I threw blank!"  
  
Pikachu: Pika! (audience laughs)  
  
Gene: I don't think that's a Pixie attack, but we'll see. (he walks over to the celebrities) Moo, "Millie the Mint said, I think my trainer's mad at me. Last night at the tournament, he told me to throw Lightning Bolt, but I threw..."  
  
Moo holds up his card. Written on it in little tiny letters is his rather wordy answer.  
  
Moo: "A ball of pure Evil which consumed everything in a one mile radius."  
  
Gene: I don't think that's a Pixie attack either... (walks over to Pixie) Pixie?  
  
Pixie: Well, I've been there, and I say she threw up! (holds up card. Audience gives a huge laugh, and then applauds. Pixie stands up and bows)  
  
Gene: Hare? "Millie the Mint said, I think my trainer's mad at me. Last night at the tournament, he told me to throw Lightning Bolt, but I threw blank!"  
  
Hare: (holding his card with its back to the audience) Does anyone here but me remember that the object of the game is to match the contestant? I said "Pika", of course!!!  
  
Hare turns around his card to reveal the word "Pika". His light comes on with a "ding". Hare smirks. Tiger (off camera) shouts "Shut up, Hare!" Audience laughs. Camera cuts back to Pikachu, who is jumping up and down excitedly. He now has one light on and the number "1" showing on his desk.  
  
Gene walks back around to the lower tier of the celebrities' desks, and leans against Mocchi's. Mocchi grins at him as he reads the question again. Mocchi turns his card around to reveal that it says "Up."  
  
Mocchi: Mocchi says that she threw up, chi! (Mocchi laughs and waves his arms, then puts the card in the slot used to dispose of the cards)  
  
Pixie: (off camera) Good answer, Mocchi.  
  
Gene walks over to Tiger, who turns around his card. It also says "up".  
  
Tiger: She could have thrown the game, but instead she threw up.  
  
Gene: (walks to Golem) Golem? (Golem looks confused) Millie the Mint said, my trainer told me to throw Lightning Bolt, but instead I threw... Pika, is what our contestant is looking for.  
  
Golem: Well, Golem figured that if Mint could not throw Lightning Bolt, would throw Flame...  
  
(Golem turns around card to show the word "Flame". Audience boos.)  
  
Gene: Now, don't boo him. That's a very nice answer...  
  
Gene walks back to the contestants, and picks up the "A" question, he nods to Genki, and then turns back to the celebrities.   
  
Gene: Okay, here's the round one question for Genki. Ready?  
  
Gene: (pauses a moment to read the question) "Moo said..."   
  
The audience laughs. Camera cuts to Moo, who is glaring at the audience. Camera cuts back to Gene, who grins widely.  
  
Gene: "Moo said, as soon as I get back my body from the Ancient Time, I'm going to blank."  
  
Audience laughs. Gene walks over to the celebrities, and reads the question a few more times. Moo writes down his answer immediately, as do Pixie, Hare, and Tiger. Golem and Mocchi take a little longer, but soon finish. Gene walks back to Genki.  
  
Gene: "Moo said, as soon as I get back my body from the Ancient Time, I'm going to blank."  
  
Genki: (hesitantly) "Take over the world?" (Audience boos)  
  
Gene: Now, now. That's not that bad an answer. We are talking about Moo... (he glances at Moo, who is still glaring at the audience) But what would you have said?  
  
The audience yells out a number of answers, most of them "Disneyland". One joker yells out "A Strip Club!" The audience laughs.  
  
Gene: Well, let's see what our celebrities said. (walks over to Moo, who is still glaring at the audience) "Moo said, as soon as I get back my body, I'm going to..."  
  
Moo: (turning card around) TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! (Moo's light lights up, and a "ding" is heard. Audience applauds)  
  
Moo: (muttering, as he puts his card in the trash slot) Not so smart now, are you?  
  
Pixie: You realize, dear, you just scored a point for Genki. (Moo grunts non-commitally) And so did I. (She turns her card to reveal "take over the world". She then tears her card in half and drops it in her trash slot)  
  
Gene: (continuing down the row) Hare?  
  
Hare: Well, as you said, we ARE talking about Moo. (turns around his card, which says "take over the world")  
  
Gene walks back to the beginning of the lower row. Mocchi shows his card, excitedly.  
  
Mocchi: Mocchi say Moo take over world too! (ding) Unless Mocchi and Genki stop Moo!!! (he turns around and sticks his tongue out at Moo)  
  
Moo: Shut up, you little sweetcake.  
  
Gene continues down the row to Tiger. Tiger smirks as he holds his card up.  
  
Tiger: I was going to say "get fat and watch TV". But I figured Genki would try to match Moo, so I just matched him... (ding)  
  
Gene: Golem?  
  
Golem: Golem say "Moo take over the world". (ding)  
  
Gene: (returning to contestants) All right! Genki has matched all of our celebrities, so Pikachu, you're going to have to match them all to stay in the game.  
  
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!  
  
Gene: But first, we're going to have to pay a few bills. (he turns to camera, as it pulls back) We'll be right back, with round two.  
  
FADE OUT:  
  
[commercial break]  
  
FADE IN:  
  
Gene: Welcome back! Genki has six matches, and Pikachu has only one. Pikachu, you're going to have to match all five remaining celebrities to stay in the game. Do you want A or B?  
  
Pikachu: (half-heartedly, waving in the direction of B) Pika...  
  
Gene: B again. Okay... (walks towards the celebrities) This is for all but Hare, Hare does not play...  
  
Gene: "Grundy the Golem didn't make a very good Iron Bird pilot. The moment he got into the Iron Bird, it blanked."  
  
The audience laughs. Gene walks over to the celebrities, reading the question again for Pixie. She writes down an answer, as does Tiger, Mocchi, and finally Golem. Moo sits, thinking about it.  
  
Gene: Would you like me to read the question again?  
  
Moo: No, no, just thinking.   
  
Moo writes something on the card, taking several minutes to do it. Then he puts it down and puts the card in his slot. Gene returns to where Pikachu is sitting.  
  
Gene: "Grundy the Golem didn't make a very good Iron Bird pilot. The moment he got into the Iron Bird, it blanked."  
  
Pikachu: Pika!  
  
Gene: Going with that again, are we?  
  
Pikachu: (somewhere between resignation and annoyance) Pikachu...  
  
Gene: Okay, you're going to have to match all five of our celebrities to get a tie, and stay in the game. Moo, we'll start with you.  
  
Moo: The moment he got into the Iron Bird, it... CRASHED IN AN ENOURMOUS BALL OF FLAME WHICH BURNED UP THOSE ROTTEN SEARCHERS!!!!!  
  
Moo holds up a pair of cards, on which the statement he just made is written. The audience boos. Moo snarls back at them. Gene, however, has turned back to the contestants, because Genki's lights have begun flashing, and a bell is ringing.  
  
Gene: Well, that didn't match, so that means Genki has won. Sorry, Pikachu, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you...  
  
The camera pans across the panelists to reveal that every one of the monsters, from Pixie to Tiger, have all written "Pika" on their cards. The only exception is Golem, whose card says "let out a squawk." Gene, meanwhile, has helped Genki off of the rotating platform, and it turns, carring Pikachu away.  
  
Gene: Okay, you've been here before, so you know how to play. We polled a recent studio audience for their best response to this:   
  
On the wall which turned around is now mounted a box with four sliding panels on its face. The uppermost panel slides aside to reveal the words "Monster _____". A light behind a panel that says "$500" lights up, and as Gene speaks the panels below also light up.  
  
Gene: Monster blank. If you can match the most common answer you win $500, if you match the second most common answer you win $250, and the third most common answer is worth $100. You may choose three celebrities to help you:  
  
Genki: Tiger?  
  
Tiger: (grins at Genki) Monster Champ.  
  
Genki: Hare?  
  
Hare: (Boris Karloff voice) Monster Mash.  
  
Genki: Mocchi?  
  
Mocchi: Monsters Rule, chi!!!  
  
Gene: All right, you have Monster Champ, Monster Mash, and Monsters Rule. You can go with one of those three, or choose one of your own.  
  
Various noises and suggestions from the audience. Genki looks thoughtful, but then makes up his mind.  
  
Genki: I hate to not go with your suggestions, guys, but.... Monster Rancher.  
  
Gene: Okay, Monster Rancher it is. If it's the number one answer, you win $500, but as usually, we'll start at the bottom. May we see the $100 answer please?  
  
Panel slides aside with a ding. The answer says "Monster Farm."   
  
Genki: Monster Farm? What's that?  
  
Sounds of agreement from celebrities and audience. Genki seems a little taken aback, but still hopeful.  
  
Gene: May we see the $250 answer?  
  
Panel slides aside to reveal "Monster Mash".  
  
Gene: Hare's answer.   
  
Camera cuts to Hare, to show him smirking. Camera then cuts back to Gene, who puts his arm on Genki's shoulder. The boy is starting to look nervous.  
  
Gene: Last chance for the $500. We're looking for "Monster Rancher". Let's see it!  
  
Panel slides aside to reveal "Monster Rancher". Lots of dings are heard, and the audience cheers wildly. Genki jumps up and down excitely.  
  
Gene: Okay, you've just won $500. Now you have a change to win ten times that much, or $5000.  
  
Gene and Genki step away from the platform, under an archway. The amount $5000 appears above the arch in huge neon letters.  
  
Gene: In order to win the $5000, you've got to match one of our celebrities exactly. Who will it be?  
  
Genki: Tiger.  
  
Tiger looks somewhat startled, then becomes very focused. Gene turns Genki to face him, and then walks back to a stand next to the platform and picks up a card from it. He walks back to Genki, still making sure the boy is facing him, and reads the card.  
  
Gene: "Blank Wolf".  
  
There is silence from the audience as Tiger thinks about his answer. He writes his answer on a card, and puts it in the slot. Genki seems to relax as the ding is heard.  
  
Gene: Okay, what's your answer? Blank Wolf.  
  
Genki: (nervously, turning around) Were Wolf.  
  
The audience seems suprised by this answer, as if it was not what they were expecting. There is no booing, but the applause is very hesitant. Tiger looks very disappointed.  
  
Tiger: Well, there is another answer, you know...  
  
Genki: I know but I didn't want to mention him...  
  
Tiger: (suddenly grinning) I know, and that's why I said Were Wolf!   
  
Tiger turns around his card to show that it's a match. Genki runs to him and gives him a big hug. The audience applauds. Genki runs back to Gene and begins jumping up and down excitedly.  
  
Gene: You've won $11200, and we'll be right back to play another round, right after this...  
  
Camera pans back as we FADE OUT.  
  
[commertial break]  
  
FADE IN: right where we left off, Genki and Gene standing together next to the platform. It begins rotating as Gene speaks.   
  
Gene: All right, we're ready to begin another round. Everyone welcome our new challenger, Holly!  
  
Holly: Hello!  
  
Holly is sitting in the far seat. Genki sits in the closer seat nearer to Gene and the questions. He grins at Holly and gives her a quick hug before he sits down.  
  
Gene: Holly, tell me something about yourself.  
  
Holly: (suddenly becoming serious and somewhat sad) Well, my family and my village were destroyed by Moo a couple of years ago. Ever since then, I've been searching for the Phoenix, so it can turn all the bad monsters into good monsters again...  
  
Mocchi: (sympathetically) Holly, chi...  
  
Moo: You'll never find the Phoenix, Holly. Just give up. Join me. (Darth Vader voice) It is your destiny.  
  
Genki: We'll never give up! We'll find that Phoenix, you'll see!  
  
Gene: All right, all right, save it for the game...  
  
Gene presses the button on the desk, revealing the round one questions.  
  
Gene: Holly, "A", or "B"?  
  
Holly: "A", please.  
  
Gene: All right. (takes the card, walks towards celebrities) "Dumb Ducken was so dumb..."  
  
Audience: "HOW DUMB WAS HE?"  
  
Gene: "Dumb Ducken was so dumb, when he tried to shoot off his Big Missile attack, he shot off his blank, instead."  
  
Gene shows the card to Pixie, who wants to read it. He then reads it again for Mocchi and Golem. As usual, Tiger and Hare enter their answers almost immediately. Mocchi seems to have more trouble with it, though.  
  
Mocchi: Mocchi not remember Ducken attacks...  
  
Gene: Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. That's what we always say.  
  
Tiger shows him a suggestion that he's written down on a card, but Mocchi doesn't seem to like it. He folds his arms and pouts. Finally, though, he writes something down.   
  
Gene: All done? Is that everyone?  
  
He walks back over to Holly.  
  
Gene: Dumb Ducken was so dumb, when he tried to shoot off his Big Missile attack, he shot off his blank, instead.  
  
Holly: He shot off his mouth. (Audience cheers, and Holly smiles at them)   
  
Gene: He shot off his mouth. That's a good answer. All right, let's see what our celebrities say...  
  
He walks over to the panel of celebrities, looking up at Moo as he stands behind Mocchi's chair.  
  
Gene: I'm almost afraid to ask... Moo?  
  
Moo: He shot those rotten Searchers. (he turns around his card to reveal the word "Searchers". Audience boos)  
  
Gene: Pixie?  
  
Pixie: A Ducken's Big Missile comes out of his mouth, right? So if he did it wrong, he would blow off his mouth. (turns card around to reveal "mouth". ding. Again, she neatly tears her card in half before throwing it away)  
  
Gene: Hare?  
  
Hare: Well *I'VE* been accused of shooting off my mouth a few times... (turns card around to reveal "mouth". ding)  
  
Gene: (walking back to Mocchi) Mocchi? When he tried to shoot off his Big Missile, he shot off his blank..."  
  
Mocchi: (crossing arms) Mocchi not like this question.  
  
Gene: Why? What's the matter?   
  
Mocchi: Mocchi know Ducken, and Ducken not dumb.  
  
Tiger: (leaning over) It's not that Ducken, just a Ducken in general.  
  
Mocchi: Mocchi don't care, Ducken is Mocchi friend.... and besides, Ducken not shoot off mouth, Ducken shoot off beak... (turns around card to reveal "beak". ding)  
  
Camera cuts to Holly, as she is laughing at Mocchi's joke. She has three lights on, and the number three on the front of her desk.  
  
Gene: Tiger?  
  
Tiger: He shot off his mouth. (ding)  
  
Gene: Golem?  
  
Golem: (hesitantly) Well, Golem not say mouth. Golem think of Ducken Boomerang attack, so Golem say "wings". (audience boos, and Golem hangs his head) Golem no good at game...  
  
Tiger: That's why you're here, buddy. If everybody gave the same answer it would be boring.  
  
Hare: (off camera) Yeah, don't worry about it, big guy.  
  
Mocchi: (also off camera) Mocchi mess up, too, but Mocchi not complain! Be happy, chi!  
  
Golem: Okay...  
  
Gene walks back to the platform and picks up the other question.   
  
Gene: Okay, here's Genki's question. "Pixie said..."  
  
Audience laughs. Camera cuts to Pixie to show her smiling coyly. She blows the camera a kiss.  
  
Gene: "Pixie said, boy am I embarrassed. I tried to take off my Moo Crest yesterday, and my blank fell off."  
  
Audience begins laughing hysterically. Camera cuts to Hare and Tiger, who are both laughing. Pixie is looking around herself as if she doesn't get the joke. Mocchi definately doesn't get the joke. Back at the platform, both Genki and Holly are laughing and covering their faces with their hands. Gene mugs for the audience for a few minutes.  
  
Gene: Moo? Anyone need me to read it again?  
  
Pixie: No, I think we get the picture...  
  
Everyone is writing frantically. Moo seems to be transcribing some kind of dissertation, and it takes him a while to get through. Hare, Pixie, and Tiger, however, finish their answers very quickly. Gene looks them over, then returns to Moo as he finishes whatever he is writing. Finally the armored giant puts his answer in the slot, and his light comes on.  
  
Gene: (walking back to Genki) "Pixie said, boy am I embarrassed. I tried to take off my Moo Crest yesterday, and my blank fell off."  
  
Genki: (coughs a little) Her top.  
  
Holly: Genki!!!  
  
Genki: (blushing) Well, I want to get a match...  
  
Gene: (grinning mischeivously) Her top fell off. Okay...   
  
As Gene walks back to the celebrities, the audience begins laughing again. They fall silent as he walks up to Moo.  
  
Gene: Moo?  
  
Moo: "She tried to take off her Moo Crest... and her head fell off. AFTER I BIT IT FROM HER BODY WITH THE RAZOR SHARP TEETH I'LL HAVE WHEN I GET MY OLD BODY BACK!!!"  
  
Moo holds up a string of cards. He has written exactly what he said on the cards, three of them, written from top to bottom. Pixie looks at him, somewhat bemused.  
  
Gene: Pixie? Let's see your top.  
  
Pixie: Oh, don't you wish... (she holds up her card, and it says "top". ding)  
  
Hare: You mean it DOES come off?  
  
Pixie has to push Hare away from her, as he tries to get a look down her cleavage. The audience laughs. Hare sits back in his chair and shows his answer.  
  
Hare: Her top. (ding)  
  
Gene: Mocchi?  
  
As Gene comes back around to the bottom row to speak to Mocchi, it is obvious that the little monster is even pinker than usual. Especially around the cheeks.  
  
Mocchi: Mocchi didn't think of that. Mocchi said her WINGS fell off!!!  
  
Mocchi holds up his card, excitedly. When the audience's reaction is not so positive, he slumps and puts his card in the slot.  
  
Gene: Tiger?  
  
But as Gene moves closer to Tiger, the camera cuts to Pixie. The shot is wobbling about a great deal, although it is clearly centered on Pixie's chest. The camera cuts away to another camera, which shows the first. Hare has grabbed the camera, and is forcibly pointing it towards Pixie.  
  
Gene: Stop that!  
  
Audience is laughing hysterically. When Hare realizes he doesn't have enough weight to move the camera from the lens end, he goes around to the other end and tries to take the camera away from its operator. We cut to the camera view again, to see it wildly swinging from one monster to another. It finally stops on Tiger, who is growling.  
  
Tiger: Cut it out, Hare!  
  
Tiger begins to chase Hare around the camera, but then Gene moves in, and they both run away. Gene mocks hitting them with his microphone.  
  
Gene: Sit down! Sit down there!  
  
Tiger and Hare manage to make it back to their seats. Pixie adjusts her costume, then blows another kiss to the camera.   
  
Gene: Okay, Tiger. Pixie tried to take off her Moo Crest, and her top fell off. That's what we're looking for.  
  
Hare: Tell me about it.  
  
Tiger: Shut up, Hare! (he shows his card) I said top. (ding)  
  
Gene: Golem? (he exaggerately mimes wiping his brow)  
  
Golem: Golem think this match. (Golem's card says "clothes". ding) Golem match! (Audience applauds, and Golem bows gallantly)  
  
Gene: (still laughing) All right. At the end of round one, the game is tied, 4 to 4. Don't go away, we'll be right back...  
  
FADE OUT:  
  
[commertial break]  
  
FADE IN: Gene is sitting on the edge of the celebrities' desk. The celebrities wave to the audience.  
  
Gene: Join us next time for Match Game Monster Rancher! Good-bye!!!  
  
Theme song begins playing. Square sign from intro begins turning again, showing the various monsters as they talk amongst one another. Pixie holds up a card saying "Send Clothes".  
  
Johnny Olsen: (voiceover) This is Johnny Olsen speaking for Match Game Monster Rancher. A Mark Goodson Bill Todman Production. This program was edited for broadcast. Stay tuned for Tattletales over most of these CBS stations...  



End file.
